As a child, my standards were simple. Do what does not get you hurt. I complied with whatever was told by
authority figures to ensure survival and to make sure I could continue day to
day life as I knew it.
This worked for me during my early childhood
development. However, when I became the
adult making the decisions being compliant did not always work in my favor. That compliant behavior resulted in getting
into a situation for which I wish I never had been involved. While no meant no, the forcefulness for which
I said the word did not come across to the level it needed to and I then was a
compliant victim of rape. Yes, I
survived, but I wonder if my current assertive behavior could have prevented
this from happening. While I do not
believe in blaming the victim, I also know that after years of counseling I am
at a much more empowered place and finally have real standards. My standards.
Standards that allow me to be me- whoever that is.
I remember growing up someone said, if you don’t stand for something
you will fall for anything. I wonder if
that is where the word standard originated.
The etymology of the word is not as important as the realization that
standards allow me to have a firm resolve when approaching life
experiences. That being said, these
standards on constantly evolving and changing, developing and redeveloping
daily.
The standards that do align with the behavioral expectations
of my youth include the following:
Determination; Respect; Humility; Responsibility; Nonmaleficence;
Beneficence. It was not until late adolescence that I began building on these
six standards.
Determination. I was
taught that if I was requested to do something, I needed to do it the right way
the first time and to put all of my effort into the task. I was not to finish the task until it was
complete and could pass a “white-glove” inspection. I had to remain determined throughout the
process and not grow lazy or disinterested.
No excuses.
Respect. Even if the
respect was not earned, it was commanded.
This is a standard that was instilled in me through dogmatic- “Yes sir,”
“No sir,” “Yes ma’am,” “No ma’am,” and “I’m sorry” responses that were
required. If there was ever a question
as to why a task or assignment was given, there was only one response- “I said
so.” Authority equaled respect. No questions asked.
Humility. We shopped
at Goodwill. We then used our Goodwill
clothes as hand-me-downs. We ate expired
food donated by the local deli. We drove
vehicles that were over 10 years old. We
did not have the latest and greatest. We
had what we needed and we were to be grateful for everything we had. This was not because we did not have money. I later found out there was plenty stored up
for a rainy day. The idea was that we
were to never let ourselves be anything more than humble, with a constant
reminder that all of it can be taken in an instant.
Nonmaleficence. This
standard was mainly taught by teachers. It
was not consistently taught by my family. In fact, I remember that when my
sister bit me, I was encouraged to bite her back to the point of receiving
memorable punishment for not biting her.
However, my teachers were unified in their thinking. There was always the understanding that
regardless of the circumstance it is necessary to decide on an action which
results in no harm or the least amount of harm to those impacted by the
decision. Even as a little one, I knew
that if I were to bring in cupcakes for the class, I needed to make sure I
brought in exactly enough cupcakes for everyone in the class to ensure no child
would be left out. No child would
experience the emotional pain of not receiving the highly anticipated birthday
cupcake.
Beneficence. In
addition to not doing harm to others, it was required that I do everything in
my power to make life better for those around me. Even if it meant sacrificing the quality of
life I lived on a daily basis. This was
demanded by family, but also taught by civic organizations such as Girl Scouts
and Opti-miss club.
Responsibility. This
standard is one that was taught from a very early age. Initially, it resounded as, “It is your
fault,” including the death of my parents as told by my grandmother. Yet, as I aged, I was able to come to a more
realistic understanding of responsibility.
Responsibility morphed into the control that I was able to exert over
the world. I needed that level of
control as a child. As an adult,
responsibility became less about control and more about duty. Responsibility was the role that I played in
the world around me, good or bad- it was my part and I needed to own up for
everything I did or did not do.
As I moved into adolescence and adulthood, the following
standards became central to my thought processes: Diligence; Honesty; Assertiveness; Transparency. These four standards were built on the
previous standards, moving from the simplistic following of the standards out
of obedience, to the need for utilization of the standards in approaching
decisions of adulthood.
Diligence. As a
child, I was told not to be lazy and was encouraged to keep a level of
determination about me to succeed. By
adulthood, I had developed diligence.
Diligence has more to do with a steadfast work ethic than mere
determination, while determination is the driving force to allow continued
perseverance when the task gets to be cumbersome and daunting. Today, I find myself battling with feelings
of annoyance when others in the workplace do not hold the same standard. Faulty logic, I know.
Honesty. This
standard is one that I have an internal expectation to be followed at all
times, with an understanding that I will never be able to achieve 100%
honesty. I will have omissions of
truth. I will have times where I
misrepresent the truth. However, I will
continue to strive for honesty and understand the impact of dishonesty far
outweighs the short-term disguised benefit of bending the truth.
Assertiveness. This
standard was a difficult one to attain, but it was worth the struggle. It actually resulted in the loss of a job as
I was not willing to bend my standards and continued persevering for equality
despite the engrained cultural practices of the workplace. My assertiveness has allowed me to ensure
other standards are not compromised.
Transparency. Without
the previously listed standards, transparency would be difficult to
achieve. It is rare that someone wants
to display laziness, lack of motivation, timidity, disrespectful behavior,
arrogance, irresponsible decision making, manipulative tendencies and
hurtful/selfish actions. By having
diligence, determination, assertiveness, respect, humility, responsibility,
honesty, nonmaleficence and beneficence as standards, it is with comfort that
transparency can be at least a standard I strive for if I am not always able to
achieve it. In my mind, without
transparency there can be no opportunity for accountability and without
accountability, what use would there be for having standards?
All of these standards help make me who I am today. They help me form decisions. They help guide me in every aspect of my
life. They will continue to grow with me
as I continue to age and, hopefully, mature.
Without these standards, I fear I would fall into a pattern of blind
compliance to the standards of others.
With adherence to these standards, I will be responsible for the impact
they have on my life. Positive or
negative. That is what drives the daily
evaluation and re-evaluation of their usefulness and the degree to which I
utilize these standards. Only time will
tell how these standards will impact not only my career and life goals but the
lives that have been entrusted to me in my very own family. That being said, those these standards may be
non-critical-thinking standards,
“without critical thinking standards incorporated into them, they can be
demeaning, misplaced, hollow and dangerous.” (Nosich, 2012). It is with a hope for a balanced mind
contemplating critical and non-critical standards that I must approach each
decision to provide my future family the greatest hope for a life without the
pain suffered from my past.
Nosich,
G. M. (2012). Learning to
think things through: A guide to critical thinking across the curriculum (4th
edition). Boston, MA: Pearson. p. 154.
