Dr.
Sheena Iyengar explored decision making across cultures. In her research, she focused on a
decision that no parent would ever want to make. She explored cultures where the parent
is the deciding factor in when to remove a child from continued existence on
life support. Dr. Iyengar researched further to understand the impact on
parents when doctors made the final decision compared to when parents made that
choice for their child.
This is a difficult topic to reflect upon as it brings up many memories and emotions, and as a new mom, it also brings a new perspective. So often I wish my mom could experience being a grandmother. Life was taken from her abruptly, without her consent. Someone else had to make the end of life decision that ultimately resulted in her final breath. That someone was my mother’s own family.
My mom never experienced the feelings of watching her children, my sisters,
graduate from elementary school. She
never even got to see my little sister graduate from Pre-Kindergarten. She never was able to pick out prom
dresses with us, she wasn’t able to be there to help us pick out our nail
polish color, whether ballet slippers or adorable, for our first manicure or
pedicure. The ability for
her to help us decide on our wedding dress, our cake topper, or even naming our
babies was taken all too soon.
According to the autopsy report, which is all I have to go by for how my
parents really passed away, my mom was placed on life support after suffering
six gunshot wounds, one close range to the head. Even after sustaining five gunshot wounds,
she was able to try to run and get help. Police reports state that she still
uttered the words, “I love my children” as a neighbor held her in his
arms. The sixth shot my dad
fired rendered her unconscious and nearly lifeless. Yet, she still was able to “live” on
life support.
It was my mother’s family that had to make the final end of life decision for
my mom. Looking into my
baby girl’s eyes, I cannot imagine having to decide whether to let her live or
to let her die. The flood
of emotion would make it…honestly, I would be doing a disservice to those who
have experienced such pain to try to express it in words.
How do you make a choice like this? No
amount of preparation can help you make such a decision. Critical thinking skills would not
help you rest peacefully knowing you are making the “right” choice. Maybe this is why the French choose to
let the physician make the final call. Dr.
Iyengar states that parents in France experience less negative emotion
surrounding the death of their child as a result of physician end-of-life
decision. Why then, would
Americans want to willingly go through the pain, the anguish, of being the one
to decide when their child’s last breath would occur?
If my family lived with the customs of the French, would they have suffered less pain? Would they be more upset at the doctors? Did they need to know that they were the ones to make their own choice? Was having a choice better? Did they have to be the ones to decide because of Dr. Iyengar’s observation that American’s never say no to choice?
If my family lived with the customs of the French, would they have suffered less pain? Would they be more upset at the doctors? Did they need to know that they were the ones to make their own choice? Was having a choice better? Did they have to be the ones to decide because of Dr. Iyengar’s observation that American’s never say no to choice?
Now comes the really tough part of this reflection. It is time for me to put myself in
that position. To
cognitively move into the role of being in that hospital room watching over my
mom. Seeing her
struggle. Knowing no amount
of medical care, reconstructive surgery or transplants and infusions would
result in her regaining quality life. Having
a doctor look to me and ask, “When do you want to let her go?”
Would I respond with my instant thought, “Never?” Would I choose a time for her to
die? Seeing her beautiful
face and hair blood stained, her energetic body lifeless, would I be able to
handle making such a choice? Thoughts
entering in of three children living their lives without a mother. Thoughts that this sweet woman would
be gone- forever. Thoughts
that her life has hardly been lived at 28 years of age and who am I to say when
she will take her last breath.
As much as it would hurt, I too would want to be the one to make the final decision. Yes, there would be guilt. Yes, there would be doubt. Yes, there would be negative
feelings. Yet, I would be
able to feel as if there is a little bit of a choice in saying “goodbye.”
That decision had to be made 26 years ago. Someone had to be the one to
choose. Life has not been
the same since and it never will be again. One thing does remain through it
all. “The power and purpose
of choice.” (Iyengar)
Choice will be here as long as I live. Choice
will be here after I am gone. Knowing
this, I need to continue evaluating my choices every day I am here. I need to spend time in thought and
weighing how each choice will impact those influenced by my thoughts, actions
and beliefs. Though all choices may not be life or death, the power of choice
is not to be taken for granted. Our
decisions, especially as leaders, are ones that may impact generations to come,
even after we are gone.
Iyengar, S. (2014). Shenna Iyengar: The art of
choosing. [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/sheena_iyengar_on_the_art_of_choosing?language=en
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