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This week has been a character building experience.  It is one in which I remember looking up at the sky asking God if it was going to be my time to go soon and feeling like the answer was "Yes."  My body is not doing well and I can tell it is getting to that point where some hard life choices are going to have to be made to try to preserve the highest quality of life possible during the time that I do have. My heart is uncontrollable and doctors are trying to figure out what to do.  Meanwhile, I will continue to do my best to not give up and keep moving forward.

As I reflected on the life I am living and have lived, it has been a great life.  It has been a long life, especially since it was intended to end when I was six.  As I reflected on the lifeline I created, it was very much like the heart monitor that we watched for hours on Thursday evening.  There were many high peaks and abnormalities.  Most people do not lose their parents until much later in life.  By learning to live independently in my young childhood, it allowed me to gain many skills of independence that assisted me when my family dropped me off on the side of the road at UF's campus and handed me a folder with all of my important life information.  My social security card, a debit card (which I had never had before) and my birth certificate.  They were down the road and I heard them shout out the window, "Oh and Happy Birthday."  That still sticks with me and teaches me the importance of providing love and compassion.  As strong as I was then, my relationship with my family is still very much severed.  They were not there for the birth of my daughter and they have yet to come visit me or help me since being in a wheelchair.  That is hard.  It is also character building.

As I look at my social relationships and roles, I see the importance of putting family first.  When I was younger, I cared more about my social standing.  Was I a "good enough" person?  Was I giving back to the community?  Was I the best at my job? Was I getting the promotions I needed to climb that ladder to success?

Today, I ask myself, was I a mom?  Was I a wife?  Not was I a good wife or a good mom.  Just was I alive and able to fill that role.  If the answer is yes, then I give myself the grace for making it through the day and pray for another opportunity.  Each day I am learning how important it is not to care about being the best but just being and helping others in the process.

That is very different from the patterns prior to my becoming a person within the disabled community.  Those peaks of rapid succession were something that I used to pride myself on.  Now I realize that while they did provide me opportunities and successes, I missed out a lot on developing life-long relationships. I was driven to succeed and did not previously care as much about my role as a wife.  My first husband pales in comparison to the amazing man I have today, but I also did not show him anywhere near the type of love I show Randall.  I believe I grew and learned from that experience with divorce and hope to show Randall every single day that I am thankful to be his wife.  

In the letter I wrote to Randall in the exercises, I often thanked him for what he has sacrificed and what he has done to keep our relationship alive.  He was the one who flew me all the way up to New Hampshire to take a job which would put me over a thousand miles away from him and he was willing to support me and love me through that.  He was the only one there when Grace was born.  He was the only one there when I found out I had Dysautonomia.  Honestly, he is my best friend and my closest connection within my social world.

When it came to reflecting on strengths, I listed Dedication, Loyalty, Optimism, Christ-centered, Humble, Fast Learner, Coach-able, Communicator, Faithful, Visionary.   Many years ago those strengths would have been very different.  They would have listed "hard worker."  I am now realizing that it isn't so much how many hours you put in or how vigorously you work, but how deeply you impact others in the work you do.  For example, Randall helped me make it to the National Day of Remembrance event where I was a keynote speaker.  During my shortened speech due to health concerns, I knew I couldn't provide the message I wanted to deliver.  I had to put that energy into making my message concise and powerful.  After delivery, two survivors of the recent PULSE massacre came up to me and gave me a hug and said that the message touched them in a way to give them hope to keep going.  How powerful.  These two women had witnessed a terror I hope to never experience.  Yet, the few words I could speak provided them hope.  

Boyatzis and McKee (2005) have this to say of hope. "That magical and life-giving quality called hope is more than just optimism...and it all starts with you." (p. 204)  When I was younger, I was uncertain about the impact we could have on others around us.  I am now aware that we all play a critical role in each other's lives and the more that we own that responsibility the greater power we have in providing a positive influence of hope in this world.

Now, the next 36 hours after the delivery of that speech have been spent in bed recovering.  In retrospect I believe it was worth it.  Some would think, including the younger me, that sharing that short speech was far from hard work, but my heart and body would argue that point. That is why today I prefer to speak to the strengths that allow me to get out of bed each day.  Those are the ones that I want to continue to develop as I will need that strength for tomorrow.

McKee, Boyatzis and Johnson (2008) discuss understanding the gaps between the real self and the ideal self.  Understanding the importance of mindfulness and self-awareness.  I believe my biggest gap is still not realizing when I am overdoing it.  My body is trying to send a clear message and I am not receiving it well.  I believe I am still somewhat in denial.  I need to be more mindful of how important my health is and stop pushing myself too much.  Perhaps I need to spend more time thinking about how important it is to be here for Grace as she grows and feel less guilt about making deadlines or engagements.  For now, it is time to sleep, rest and renew.  Good night.

Boyatzis, R., McKee, A.(2005). Resonant Leadership. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Pub.

McKee, A., Boyatzis, R. E., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a resonant leader: Develop your     emotional intelligence, renew your relationships, sustain your effectiveness. Boston, MA:Harvard Business School Pub. 

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Intentional Group Development

During my undergraduate studies at the University of Florida, I experienced what it was like to be part of a sports team.  As a child and throughout my adolescence, my grandparents preferred that my sisters and I engage in no-contact sports.  They were a little protective, to say the least.  We played piano and were in the dance corps.  You can only imagine how exhilarating it was when I took the field for the first time and made contact with another player, bringing her straight to the ground.  I was hooked!  Well actually, I was a hooker.  True story.  Rugby was fascinating to me.  It was thrilling to be in a scrum, arms locked, and then hearing, "Balls out!"  

I remember a distinct tournament where we had traveled to North Carolina to compete for a national title.  It was a tensely competitive environment.  The opposing team was  fierce.  My smaller frame paled in comparison to the tiniest person in their group, but we still had a strong team.  When it came time for me to take the ball down the field, I went as fast as my feet would carry me and I was gone!  Then I felt the tackle and to the ground I went.  I watched as the opposing teammate fell to the ground with me, other teammates coming to recover the ball and then I saw as my opposition pulled her knee all the way to her chest, foot fully flexed, cleats pointed at my chest and she delivered one of the hardest blows straight to my breasts.  I, for the first time in my life, had a D-cup that day.  A few seconds went by before I was able to regain composure and I had no clue my teammates witnessed what happened.  Until I saw them go after her as bloodhounds hunting a fugitive.  She did not stand a chance.

That day taught me about how quickly a group can come together.  Our coaches had been trying to get us to unite together for months.  They tried using drills and motivational speeches.  They attempted to put us through exercises for team building.  We needed something real to be intentional.  We needed something to send us through that iteration of change needed to bond.  As Akrivou, Boyatzis and McLeod (2006) suggest, we had been progressively moving toward an intentional change goal of unity, but on that memorable day we had a spontaneous event that helped us to evolve into a tightly knit group of women who could not be beat.  Those bickering fights we had off the field were far from our view.  We now had a shared vision to protect each other and the ball.

Though we never made it to the Olympics, we had a similar level of doggedness as Mia Hamm and the 2004 Women's USA Olympic Soccer team. The group was trying to make significant gender equality gains with Mia Hamm expressing how intense the fight was during the time of her team's Olympic victories.  In an HBO documentary, the viewer is brought from a place where in the 1980's women's soccer was not even on the radar of U.S. interests to a place where it was one of the most widely televised events.  In an interview about the documentary, Hamm shares, "I think we're still kind of fighting to sell the sport and gain a foothold in the American sports fabric with soccer...We do it every day." (Associated Press, 2005)  The team had a shared vision of fighting for equality and they knew that if they acted intentionally as a group each and every day they could achieve that goal.  It was a consistent effort.  It did not happen overnight.

While the USA Women's Soccer team united together over the course of many years to overcome societal inequalities and demonstrate their dominance, the 2004 Men's Basketball Dream Team was experiencing one of the greatest failures in USA basketball history.  In an interview analyzing the reason for the team of talented individuals experiencing such great loss, NBC Announcer, Mike Breen shares, "The game is still played at its best when five players are working together, and the United States just didn't have enough of those moments, where Argentina was like five guys on a string." (Leopold & Teitelbaum, 2016)

While the Women's soccer team intentionally grew together to achieve their shared vision over time, the men's basketball team struggled to even take the court together during games.  The coach had a vision which was not shared by the inexperienced young men who would later grow into amazing leaders.  That time period of the early 2000's will go down in USA sports history demonstrating the importance of a team coming together, understanding the shared vision and intentionally taking steps to unite in achieving that goal.

Akrivou, K., Boyatzis, R. E., & McLeod, P. L. (2006). The evolving group: Towards a prescriptive theory of intentional group development. The Journal of Management Development, 25(7), 689-706. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/10.1108/02621710610678490

Associated Press. (2005). Fab Five Step Off the Field and Onto the TV.  New York Times.  Retrieved September 13, 2016 from http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/11/sports/soccer/fab-five-step-off-the-field-and-onto-the-tv-screen.html

Leopold, B., & Teitelbaum, B. (2016). Red, White and Bronze:  The Death and Rebirth of USA Basketball. NBC Olympics.  NBC.  Retrieved September 13, 2016 from http://www.nbcolympics.com/news/red-white-and-bronze-2004-death-and-rebirth-usa-basketball

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At my last position I had the wonderful opportunity to take the role as a team leader among an amazing group of highly skilled implementation specialists and programmers.  In the IT world with the ever evolving, ever demanding growth of the market, there is a great deal of influence leaders have on the potential for widespread success.  By helping lead a team we have seen the evolution of products such as the Macintosh computer, the Ipad, Ipod, Iphone, Android devices.  All of those amazing technological advances were in part due to a leader that tipped the scales in the favor of advancement.

As a team leader, I experienced an incredible tipping point in which the positivity ratio far outweighed the negativity many of these workers had experienced for years.  I had a very short stint as a team leader prior to going out for medical leave, but it was a memorable time that I will cherish.  I remember exactly the point in which I realized that the positivity was paying off.

My boss, George Epstein, chairman of the Echo Group, tasked me with the duty of bringing everyone up to productivity standards and making sure they were meeting the requirements for the team.  In one week, the team not only met the standards but they far exceeded them.  All that was needed was positive and relatively immediate feedback.

I would start out the week with a highly encouraging email.  In the email, I would reiterate the wins that were made last week and I would set the tone for the week ahead by clearly providing the goals and objectives.  Throughout the week I made check-in calls, instant messages, Skype face-to-face calls and emails.  Right before the end of the week I would give a status report to the whole team to let them know how close we were to achieving the goals.

During one of our Professional Services team meetings, which included not only the team that I led, but other teams, George made specific reference to the gains that were evident both financially and reported through customer service reviews on my team.  I was dancing inside!

I then followed up immediately after the call with a specific congratulatory email to the group.  It included data that was measurable and it let everyone know how much progress was achieved due to their hard work and effort.  I then made a personal phone call to each member of the team to tell them "Thank You."

I copied George on all my communications and I distinctly remember him asking me if all that positivity was just a little over the top.  I laughed.  I said, George, it's working!  He couldn't argue that.  What these people needed was a cheerleader in their corner.  They had plenty of knowledge.  They had plenty of skill.  They needed someone to back them and providing positive, authentic, encouraging statements of unconditional regard. Meaning that they knew it was okay if they failed, but they didn't want to fail.  They wanted to do their best because they knew it was the best thing to do.

So what was the key ingredient to the success?  What influenced the tipping point in favor of improved outcomes?  It is something more than positivity and emotional intelligence.  It has to due with what Thatchenkery (2006) has termed "Appreciative Intelligence."  He states, that "Using Appreciative Intelligence, the person consciously or unconsciously reframes what is in the present, thereby shifting to a new view of reality that leads to a new outcome." (p. 6)  These amazing people were waking up each morning with a new view that they could achieve and they did.  They knew that their efforts were genuinely appreciated and it motivated them to work harder.  They didn't get a pay incentive.  They didn't get a prize.  They simply got the kudos they deserved and it was real.

When I think of my really hard days at home, the ones where Grace has been crying, I am in pain and can't breathe or think and I am counting down the minutes to when Randall walks in the door, I distinctly remember the times where he has said, "Thank you."  Maybe it is just with his eyes or maybe it is with words of gratitude, but when he hugs me and lets me know I am appreciated, I am willing to do it all again the next day.

We need that uplifting encouragement to keep us going. It refuels our tank.  It is important for leaders to understand that our positivity impact not only our followers, but it also impacts our potential for selection as next in line for a promotion.  According to Joseph et al (2015), "Leaders who stimulate positive affect in others are more likely to be selected into leadership positions." (p. 560)

At the time, I was not proving positive statements for a potential promotion.  I wasn't trying to get a raise.  I wasn't trying to land the CEO job.  I was authentically trying to bring out the best in people that are truly amazing.  It was a wonderful experience and I would love to have the opportunity to coach them again!

Joseph, D. L., Dhanani, L. Y., Shen, W., McHugh, B. C., & McCord, M. A. (2015). Is a happy leader a good leader? A meta-analytic investigation of leader trait affect and leadership. The Leadership Quarterly, 26(4), 557-576. doi:10.1016/j.leaqua.2015.04.001

Thatchenkery, T. (2006). Appreciative Intelligence: Seeing the Mighty Oak in the Acorn. San Francisco: Berrett Kohler.