When it was time to go off to college, I remember the cheer captain and I were carpooling together on a trip back from our new campus and we had a group of boys drive up next to us that were making suggestive faces. Catie and I looked at each other, giggled and then proceeded to begin picking our noses and smiling at the boys as we drove off. We just didn't care about that stuff.
Today, in the social era of leaders taking selfies with filters, posting to LinkedIn, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and who knows what else, I sometimes find myself at a loss. I see these selfies of women leaders that look flawless. Hah! I still to this day do not have the faintest clue how to use the majority of socially accepted makeup "must haves." My goodness, if I tried this whole "contouring" thing, my husband would think I had experienced an explosion of custard, chocolate and whip cream on my face from yet another failed baking attempt.
Does this socially awkward lifestyle I live make me less effective as a leader? Am I somewhat at a loss in my level of emotional intelligence? Yes. To some crowds. If I am looking to win over followers that are attending a Mary Kay convention, I am sure that my poor placement of eye shadow or mismatched skin tones will be distracting and hinder my message delivery to some. I have to be aware of what my message is, what my mission is, what social setting I am in, what expectations are among the members of the audience, and I need to weigh out what is important to create the most effective delivery.
Thankfully, I have been graced with an attitude of humility nearly all my life. I generally find that a little self-deprecating humor can go a long way. For example, if I were trying to discuss domestic violence prevention among Mary Kay reps who have a desire to help women across the nation, I would begin by saying something like:
"Ladies, I know we are here today to talk about some really sensitive topics, but I have to ask for your help. The other night, I tried doing this contouring make-up thing and when my husband saw me he thought I was trying to audition for a role in Cats. (Displaying a picture similar to this to elicit laughter among the audience). I would then ask if those who are willing to help me in my personal quest to conquer contouring would connect with me after the presentation.
Goldman (2009) explains that an emotionally intelligent leader has to have self-awareness, master a great level of self-management, be socially aware, and have exceptional social skill. That does not mean that a leader has to fit in with their followers. Meaning, the leader does not have to walk the same, talk the same, act the same or do the same as the followers. There is a reason why the leader is in a position to stand out. That being said, it is imperative to understand the role that the leader plays with his/her followers.
In my example above, I would be discussing a topic of Domestic Violence with Mary Kay consultants. The leadership I would be embodying is that of a social advocate for change, not a cosmetologist. I would need to make it very clear that I am not trying to be the next Pink Cadillac driving CEO at Mary Kay. If that were the case, I would really need to spend time focusing on my cosmetic skill as this would be integral to the social skills of that cultural group.
McKee, Boyatzis & Johnson (2008) describe this awareness as being mindful. The ability to be attuned to your own mind, body, heart and spirit and then understand the role you play in the world around you is a critical element of being an effective leader. While yes, I may think that spending money on cosmetics is just silly, I need to realize that I am living in a culture that values beauty. As much as I wish the world would be filled with people that only see the inner beauty in others, I need to realize that there are people who still operate in somewhat shallow belief systems and by disregarding their need for aesthetic appeal, I could adversely impact the message I am delivering.
Will I continue to be socially awkward at times? Absolutely! I am a 90-year-old woman in a 33-year-old woman's body. I have lived through enough to realize what really matters and what really doesn't. Therefore, when I am home and with those who accept me as I am, I will proudly adorn my crazy hair, my mismatched outfits and fail to hide my blemishes. I will be silly, I will sing off tune and I will laugh loudly at my own silly jokes. When I go in to an executive meeting or when I present in front of a large crowd with a diverse audience of differing maturity levels, I will adhere to (some) of the socially accepted norms and dress, act and even wear make-up accordingly. You better believe as soon as I get home those clothes are going in the hamper, jewelry on the counter top, war paint on my wash rag and I will be in those ratty worn pajamas in no time flat. Hey, an effective leader needs time to reflect peacefully in pajamas too! :)
Goleman, D. (2009). Daniel Goleman Introduces Emotional Intelligence. Hay Group Inc. Retrieved fromwww.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7m9eNoB3NU
McKee, A., Boyatzis, R. E., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a resonant leader: Develop your emotional intelligence, renew your relationships, sustain your effectiveness. Boston, MA: Harvard Business School Pub.
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