As a 17 year old female, I wanted independence. I had strong uncompromising values and I knew I was right. My grandfather frequently used the "N" word in our home and was not open to the idea of bi-racial couples. One day I had an assignment for which I was to collaborate with a young man in my class for calculus. Rather than meet face to face, as I knew that would be out of the question in my grandparents' eyes, I asked the young man to call me so we could work together on the project. I was provided one 15-minute phone call which may or may not be monitored at the discretion of my grandparents per day. I had already arranged the time in which this young man would call so as not to disrupt dinner or the evening routine. The phone rang, we spoke, we worked together, we said good night and I hung up. The same thing was to happen the next day. Yet there was no call. I later found out the call was blocked as my grandparents had reviewed caller ID, found my yearbook, determined the race of the young man and programmed the phone to immediately reject calls from his number. In disbelief, I questioned the young man and thought my grandparents would never do something like that. Yet, when I utilized the phone management system to determine which numbers were blocked, his number was the only number listed. I was horrified. I was embarrassed. I felt so sorry for my friend and did not want him to think I felt negatively toward him in any way.
So what did I choose to do?
Date him. I chose to make him my boyfriend. We "made out" in the hallways. We exchanged letters between class. I wore his Letterman jacket. My grandparents actually had school counselors that they would call to check up on me during the day and I would not bat an eye holding the hand of this young man while walking past them.
Then they caught me in the act. I had skipped a calculus review session to spend time with this young man after school. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time. When faced by my grandparents, they were livid. They were furious. So furious, my grandmother's lip was quivering and she nearly popped me in the mouth when I tried to lie my way out of it. I learned not to try to lie my way out of things through this conflict.
So there went all of my privileges. No driving. No talking on the phone. No going anywhere. It was wake up, shower, go to school- via cheese wagon, come home- via cheese wagon, study, eat, go to bed. My senior year could have been much more enjoyable. Yet, I wanted to stick to my values of equality.
As an adult looking back, I wonder how things would have played out if I had employed Stewart Levine's (2009) 10 principles of new thinking.
In the area of abundance, I could have tried to think past the scarce view that my grandparents would never budge on the idea of allowing a friendship to be fostered with a black young man. Today, they are strong Obama supporters. When I one the Martin Luther King, Jr. scholarship, they held hands with black individuals and sang an opening hymn at the ceremony. It could have been possible that they may have allowed the friendship rather than me immediately going to a resolution that it was me vs. them.
Efficiency- this area would be difficult to assess without understanding to what level my grandparents may have been willing to compromise. I acted very quickly and they reacted very quickly, but the efficiency of a highly favorable outcome for both parties was not achieved.
Creativity- rather than looking at other options, I immediately jumped to what would hurt my grandparents most. I could have talked through issues with them or tried to understand their perceptions. I didn't even think of these as potential options.
Fostering Resolution- So many times when I thought on this, I blamed my grandparents. I didn't see anything wrong with what I did. I felt like I was on a crusade for equality. I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was not engaging in discriminatory behavior. I did not even try to foster resolution prior to acting, or reacting.
Vulnerability- I did not cry or express my anger when I found out they had manipulated the phone system to prevent contact. I just kept the secret still a secret and then added another secret to make tit for tat. This was not helpful. This did not allow us as a family to work through the issues. I became hardened against my grandparents and that still has an effect on our relationship today.
Forming Long-Term Collaborations- This is where a huge change could have been possible for the strength of our relationship. If I felt my grandparents were not my adversary and were truly supportive, I would have worked through these emotions. Instead, I wrote them off as being mean and saying that I did not want anything to do with their behavior. How childish of me.
Feelings and Intuition- This is the area for which I needed a greater level of maturity to be able to handle during that time. I reacted only on feeling and gave little time toward understanding intuition. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew my grandparents would be hurt. Part of me wanted that- sick, I know. I am more aware now that my hurt, my pain, is not most important. I need to look past me and see how my actions may be causing pain as well.
Fully Disclosing Information and Feelings- In a home where "I love you" was not uttered very often, if at all, disclosing feelings was not going to happen. However, just because they weren't going to do it didn't mean that I couldn't have disclosed feelings through a letter. I now know that I can only control my actions and I am responsible for the choices that I make. Blaming others will not account for my wrongdoing.
Learning Through the Resolution Process- This is where we could have started to come out on the other end of the conflict, understanding areas of our own weakness and identifying strengths. Yet, we both gave up too soon in the conflict.
Becoming ResponseAble- Now, nearly 15 years later, I am taking full responsibilty for my wrongdoing. It is so important that I start looking at my own actions before ever judging those of another. In fact, it is not my job at all to judge another's actions. It is only my job to work on my values, my beliefs and the methods for which I express them.
Thank you for this reflective exercise. It has helped me achieve a greater level of awareness.
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to resolution: Turning conflict into collaboration. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
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